Chemistry of Attraction: How Biology Attracts & Sustains Love In Your Life
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I am one of those who won't have the "passion" in the relationship. And you know what? I don't fucking care.
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I've proposed to the acne girl and I am fucking happy for the first time of my fucking life! I agree with a lot of this, and would actually prefer for this to be totally true and the complete answer. But if it was, how could two people in a couple disagree about their level of attraction towards each other? I've been married for 17 years and feel completely and totally unattracted to my husband.
I believe this biological. I even have problems with his scent and he doesn't smell bad - I know this objectively. Yet he is very attracted to me. If the above is true, how can this be? I would think that this genetic code, how our biology drives us to a mate, would work both ways. I don't know.
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Also never felt attraction to my boyfriend and although I love him, it is something that I miss. But we get along, and have had a long nice relationship, we are "best friends with benefits". Sex is great too and there is a great deal of desire for sex, not for him but it still fuels up our relationship and make us feel close probably because we know each other, feel "safe" etc, but, no matter how many orgasms or damped the sheets are Danita: How long have you been together?
Do you see it working over a long period of time? Is marriage and starting a family part of the equation? I'm in a similar relationship. My girlfriend and I have been together for a few years, she is one of the most amazing people I have ever met and I certainly love her, but the physical attraction isn't there. This is the first time in my life that I've been in a relationship that functions on an emotional level.
I'm in my late 20's and I want this to work, but I'm wary of making a long term commitment only to have it blow up in our faces in thirty years.
Harold, if you think marriage is an institution which socially preserves society and you wish to be part of that and does your partner then go on ahead. Your commitment to society will give you some happiness to the degree which society pays you back. However if you get no payback from this and there is not attraction life together will have little sparkle and you will face much lonliness for a very long time.
Harold - hopefully this comment is not too late. I felt the same way, but went ahead thinking I could look beyond any 'perfect imperfections' only to have it blow up in 20 years. Set her free while you can. I have been with my Wife nearly 9 years and married for 6 and the attraction was not there from the beginning but I too thought I could look past it, after all looks aren't important are they?
We have now separated for 2nd time in two years and trust me when I say this. You can only run for so long before you must face the truth. It's not fair to someone else to be with them when it's not really there for you and you deserve to have that too, someone you fancy and who wants you.
She deserves to have someone lust after her.. If it's not there then just accept that and face the truth. It's out of your hands, attraction isn't a choice so just be honest. Be happy now in this moment as there is nothing else. And that doesn't include having a girlfriend or wife you need to try to be okay with.
All in the chemical family
I know this as I have lived it. You will feel alot worse when it breaks down later. The guilt is unbearable when deep down you have known the whole time. Truth will set you free. All the best. I have been brooding on this a lot recently as my wife had an affair even though she is very well cared and provided for. Sorry if that sounds a bit paternalistic I do not mean it to be.
I care for her and she does not have to work. I give her a lot of attention also.
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However despite all that and four lovely successful children later she risked all that to have an affair with a man who was married and very unavailable and who was also using her. The only thing was she was physically attracted to him and this was enough for a woman in her 50s to risk everything. Personally it took me a very long time to come to terms with this and the dangers of being in a relationship with a woman or a man as the case may be who is not physically attracted to you. I thought I could ride it out, adjust to it, and her also believing that she was attracted to two men.
The Role of Physical Attraction in Your Relationship | Psychology Today
This has not worked out very well as the adjustment has only led to more distance between us. As time had gone on I believe she has become more resentful of being stuck as it were in a relationship with a man she is not physically attracted to. This results in less than favourable treatment of me day to day as the resentment grows. I have concluded there must be physical attraction in any relationship or it will not work. I am living with my wife for over 6 months and I am not attracted to her.
She knows it too and resents it very much. She becomes controlling and hates my even looking other women while we are hanging out. I am not sure where is this heading to. Sometimes I wonder if I should file for divorce and move on, as I think sooner of later this will happen. The worst part is that we are expecting a not planned child now and this makes it a extremely difficult. My wife refused to not have this child and so I guess this made things even worse.
People on this forum: Do you think it gets better after kids? I am sure I will be busy with the kid and find other ways to make myself happy, but this void may never be filled, and I am not sure if life is worth living like this. I understand that there are no good options, but what is worse? I stayed in a marriage for 26 yrs with a man I was not physically attracted to. He seemed perfect on paper-very good looking, tall, kind hearted and very financially stable. After raising 2 sons I realized I waste anymore of my life in that situation. We've been separated for 2 yrs and although I love him and miss him very much it wouldn't be fair to either of us to continue any longer.
Please don't waste your life away!
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Try to work things out with your wife, but even if you get divorced, you still need to work together for a long, long time to raise the child you both are responsible for creating. Go to a therapist. End things amicably. I think many relationships start and continue without initial attraction, I'm in one. I can see it now, I also agree you can't build it if it's nit there from the beginning.
But my point is why is this topic so hard to find info on? Is it rare?
The science of love
Are people not at a deep level of awareness to get what's giung on? Just a little frustrated, various google searches etc. Much info on repairing relationships, but what if they do not begin correctly. Great article. I agree, I've tried to research this topic as well and haven't managed to find much of anything. Particularly, I'm curious if plastic surgery could have any beneficial effect? Or would it just lead to other problems and create insecurity? The first one is that couples with this particular problem who are functioning as a couple, ie, happily carrying on, are not weighing in.
If you don't find your partner attractive but are in a committed relationship and you don't have any problems, you won't be driven to find out more about this. Secondly, life is about risk. I have been warned by many people mostly masked by anonymity that this is a doomed relationship.
They don't know! They believe so, but belief is not truth. Any relationship you enter into carries a certain amount of risk. I'm willing to take that risk in this relationship because I believe in what I have with my partner. Lastly, through advice from my sister, I came to realize that ultimately, it's my decision. I alone know whether or not I want to commit myself further. People give all sorts of advice that they themselves wouldn't necessarily follow if the tables were turned because they are not able to experience the potential risks and the potential rewards.
Since realizing these things, I have relaxed. I have stopped worrying that this may someday ruin my life. So could a job choice. Or cycling to work. I love my girlfriend very much, and though her body shape doesn't make me hard, that doesn't mean our relationship will only bring us both misery. To everyone else reading this forum, I wish you much love and happiness.